SHARITA LIRA (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desiresdd17) wrote2011-12-17 09:24 am
desiresdd17) wrote2011-12-17 09:24 am
Entry tags:
Damn LiveJournal, Depression, Bahumbug!
Damn Livejournal didn't allow me to login from any browser until I just tried a minute ago. SO NOT JOKING. Hey folks, get your shit together, huh?
Anyway, I've still been busy editing mostly, a little writing on the side, mostly fanfic and my free read I've decided to do for Xmas. I was down a couple of days too, not wanting to do a darn thing especially last Sunday.
Ironically, this happened after had a great night with my husband. Them fuckin' hormones, I tell ya!
I just had a moment where you look back at your life and figure, damn, what have I accomplished? I also started to have doubts about my writing abilities. I had the moment where I said, I'm not good enough because I noticed other writers being in the top 100 on Amazon and getting rave reviews. I mean, I havent made it with the Amazon thing yet but I have sold books through All Romance, Bookstrand especially, the proof comes from my pubs. And I've had a few good reviews, even a few fan letters.
All of us authors go through it. I've coached some of my fellow writers who are better than me through it and when I posted in one of the FB groups about my feelings, I got a wealth of support from a lot of them telling me how good I really am and that it will pass. What to do when I feel that way, etc. It was really great and that, along with some reading as well as stroking from BFF's helped tremendously. Now, Im back to feeling confident again and ready for the new year.
In looking back at 2011, I have accomplished a bunch.
I made my goal of 20 acceptances. I have 9 books coming out next year so far 4 from Rawiya alone. I'm stoked. It doesn't even count all the other stories that have yet to be subbed. I had 4 books come out this year, 8 short stories. Some don't even get that
Sales have been good on my other books and I see myself finally making more money from writing which is pretty cool. I'm making a name, building a brand, these things take time and truly a little luck is needed when you create the book that gets rave reviews and great Amazon sales. I know my time will come for Amazon when I write a book that catches on.
So... as you can see, I feel better and glad LJ let me back in. Thanks to everyone who said nice things this past week and all my fans, the few I have. *giggle* For supporting me through my first full yr of writing. Its been a blast and will be even better in 2012.
Oh who is that guy up top? MMA fighter and model Adam Von Rothsfelder. My new muse and I think he should be my avatar since he's a fighter like I'm aiming to be!
Isnt he hot. *drools*
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This is pretty much me right now.
I have someone beta-ing my work. She's really good and she hits me on the 'show, not tell' aspect that I have a very hard time with. Most of the changes I'm fine with, but some made me feel like she wanted me to like, completely overhaul half my chapter and start over. It was very depressing, because I feel as if I've come a long way and I was happy with the chapter, and now it feels like the entire novel isn't good enough.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this. I feel incredibly frustrated and stressed most of the time. I think maybe I should have just kept writing as a hobby.
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It's not the beta, it's not about not being able to handle critique. I wrote a 105k novel in two months with a plan to have it fully edited and submitted to the publisher by the end of the year. This is the second book in the series, so I'm not really worried about being accepted. I can honestly say this novel is much better than the first by far.
The issue is a mixture between my personal deadlines potentially not being met because of my inability to properly improve on the story as the beta suggested. She's a wonderful beta, her ideas are great. I, however, find myself unable to think of suitable ways to add in some of the major changes she's suggested, and there is where the majority of my frustration lies. I am holding up my personal deadline, which is very important to me as I'm moving to the states at the beginning of the year, my husband is leaving the military, and I want to get this done before things become too hectic.
I am not obligated to accept any of her changes. I want to, because they're damn good suggestions and I also feel they would improve the story. So, no, my issue isn't with being unable to handle critique or with my beta, the issue lies with what I feel to be my own ineptetude.
So then my thoughts turn negative, because I do actually have Clinical Depression, and even with medication and therapy sometimes it's hard to tell yourself "You're good enough" and really believe that. My above post was me at my not so best. I was venting to a friend, mostly, but I probably should have gone back and either deleted or edited it after I calmed down.
That's not to say some of my feelings weren't the product of me being overly emotional. There is a part of me that feels I should have waited to enter the publishing world, and I don't think I'll ever shake that feeling. I'm not sure if it's normal or not, but I doubt I'll stop writing. Even if I never pursue the publishing venture again, I will continue writing. That much I know.
Thank you for the encouragement and kind words. I'd like to apologize to Sharita for venting like that, but to be honest, she's one of the few people I can do this with and not feel like I'm going to get yelled at. *hugs*
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Hugs Catriana
Please don't give up on your writing you are an amazing writer.
As Sheila said, we as writers tend to go through this all the time. This month I had 3 sets of edits, 1 from my biggest pub with my editor who I love but can be very demanding when it comes to what he wants. Still love him though.
And, my beta who I love dearly has also told me the same thing about Showing and not telling so we are both in the same boat.
Take a deep breath and write something just for the hell of it, read, eat chocolate or some comfort food that you love.
Right now Im doing some crazy fics and fanfic to clear my mind while I revise a novella and edit the novel with my beta. This Im doing to de-stress and have fun with writing so I can retain that idea of why I do this in the first place.
You know Im here if you need to talk. No apology needed about the rant and it really wasnt anyway. Please feel free.
Huggsss!
Re: Hugs Catriana
I doubt I'd ever give up writing, I think I'd go insane. I could see myself perhaps not writing professionally anymore, but even then I wouldn't do so until I finished my Arcanus Series.
When I wrote my initial post, I realized later how whiny I must have seemed. A lot of authors complain about how their editors and betas are 'picking' on them or attempt to try and change their entire story, when in reality all they're trying to do is help. I've always considered myself receptive to all edits, I rarely go against anything suggested to me. I should endeavor to control my moods a bit better, so as not to worry folks.
Then again, sometimes my moods are the reason why I avoid the internet altogether, and why I'm so scarce.
There's a writing contest in celebration of the new Dragon Age novel out, and I'm going to enter. I doubt I'll win, I know of a few amazing fanfic writers who are entering, but it'll be fun to try :)