desiresdd17 | Trying to stay calm!

Posting a picture of Jason... must stay calm... *breathes*

Usually I use my Dreamwidth for writing posts, but I needed to vent and it might as well be here.

The current situation has me uneasy, as it does with other people.

Being a child who born from the 80's, I've been fortunate not to witness a lot of personal tragedy and hardship. Like everyone else, I've had deaths in the family, one that hit me hard, my cousin's suicide as well as my father, but never have I experienced something that left me feeling panicked as I do now.

Of course I'm not the only one. Many of you probably feel the same as we go through this pandemic where our lives are basically turned upside down. Almost everything is closed, people are dying at an alarming rate, and no one knows when it will end. Federal government doesn't give me any solace either. Knowing if we had a more competent individual in office, they might've took this more seriously. Instead, we're facing a disease that continues to kill and the best thing seems to be to wait it out.

Then there's the uncertainty from scientists who we hear mixed messages from. While some say we should be out of the woods by summer, others say that won't happen. If China is anything to go on, this will carry on into June, meaning many more lives will be affected.in one way or another. What's worse is that some people still think it's a joke. They're so caught up in their own disbelief, they will potential harm others just because of their stubbornness.

My biggest fear is not getting it, but the unknown factors of when and if things will go back to normal. Not because I hate staying at home, because truly, I'm sort of an introvert anyway. But when you're told by govt officials you can't go certain places, things you're used to be open are closed etc, its a punch in the gut.

The biggest one for me was looking at someone's Instagram and seeing Bourbon Street without people.

Shit.

It was surreal. I was just down there in February and came home early because my husband hadn't made the trip. Honestly, because 2 people got killed at the parades, it truly put a damper on my experience. Now, with all that's going on, I might not be able to make that trip up this year. And that sounds so selfish, but that's how I feel. I want us to come out of this okay. I'll stay in place as ordered if that means we can recover from this.

The economy is falling apart, we've got an ass in office, and even if we get through this, the Nov election doesn't hold a more promising candidate. Still, I went out and voted at my primary last week, because it was the right thing to do. With gloves on, mind you because I'm trying my damndest not to bring this shit home to my daughter.

Then there's the matter of trying to explain to my oldest boy why I didn't need him to accompany me to the store. I sounded panicked, arguing with him because he truly didn't think that riding in my car and bringing outside germs into the house he shares with my mother was a big deal. Finally I told him I wouldn't discuss it anymore, and when I saw him, it hurt not to hug him because of the exact same reason. I mean, really? What the fuck! This shit has forced me to pretty much keep from hugging my child. This shit's gotta end, and it must end soon.

I hope.

And that's really all I can do. Talking to my BFF helps until she starts talking about this crap forcing me to want a drink. I don't say anything to my husband or my kid, because I don't want to freak them out, which is why I'm here. I'm fucking scared. BFF says we'll come out of it, but will we? Are we reaching that critical time everyone has been making fun of for years? I don't know, but I hope not. I haven't been overly religious esp since I left the Jehovah Witness religion, but dang maybe prayers will help me feel better.

I don't know, but I'm trying to keep a positive front for my husband and kid. I've checked in with my Mom who seems fine. My next check will be on my brother and his wife who mind you just recovered from cancer.

Damn...

Okay. I think I'll end this post now.

I'm gonna lose myself in my books, Duran Duran, and BTS Videos.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. Please be safe, stay in place, and wash your hands!